Random Ninja Mission
by Herrdegerre
Summary: After drinking after the Sound Invasion, Sasuke Uchiha has become pregnant. Naturo, Sakura and Kakashi, along with Hinata and Neji must travel to the Village hidden in Dicks to get a med-nin to abort his baby. I know next to nothing about Naruto, so I guess that I don't own it.
1. Gate of Hangover, Part the First

This is the land of Konoha, the Village hidden in the Leaves. And this, is the tale of a man of DESTINY! Well, a destiny, not as good as other destinies but it's still a destiny. To tell the truth, DESTINY! costs quite a lot at the shop, so that's why there is so much fodder, because their parents didn't buy a plot coupon. Anyway, this story is about DESTINY! Got that?

Good. Anyway, enough circumlocution, this is a story about a young man's DESTINY! Now, let's get on with the story proper.

It was a dark night in Konoha, and only a couple of bars were open this late, and it was in one that Sasuke Uchiha, the Last Loyal Uchiha, was getting plastered.

"Stupid Naruto… Stupid Sakura… Stupid Kakashi…" The normally aloof, cold-hearted boy was now barely seated on his barstool, barely hanging on to the bar as he vented his grievances. The other shinobi around him were placing bets on when he'd eventually fall down. The cause for the boy's anger was the fact that while he'd been knocked unconscious, Naruto had saved the Leaf by defeating Gaara in his Bijuu form, and while Naruto wasn't a hero, he had demonstrated a Summoning Jutsu that had previously belonged to the Fourth Hokage. As a result, Sasuke, in a fit of jealousy, went to the bar to get a drink. How big a drink wasn't specified.

"Stupid Naruto and his toads- I needed those toads! ALL TECHNIQUES THAT COULD KILL THAT MAN ARE MINE!" Somewhere else, Orochimaru sneezed. On the totally amazing thought that Sasuke was going down his road, he decided to send his Sound Four over to Konoha in order to corrupt the boy and then take his body. Since this fact isn't relevant, then a reader could probably ignore it. Since this fact was unknown to the other shinobi in the bar, one of the chuunin went over to the drunk boy. "Um, kid? You do realise that you're under the legal civilian limit, right?" Sasuke stared at him in a drunken stupor.  
"M' old enough t' kill, so m' old enough t' drink…uggh." He leaned over and stumbled to the bathroom. As the sound of retching came from the bathroom, Chouza Akimichi, in a similarly drunken state, came up with a brilliant idea.

What would happen if he drugged the Uchihas drink? All the Uchiha had done in the bar was be a stuck up little princess, demeaning other clans for not being as strong as the Uchiha were, and when he'd gotten drunk enough, he'd badmouthed his classmates as being pathetic weaklings. Someone needed to get off their high horse, and this was going to be hilarious. He pulled a soldier pill out of his pocket, looked around, then crushed it into Sasuke's drink. Dark deed done, he staggered back to watch the fun as Sasuke returned, looking a little paler than his usual self. He staggered over to his drink and slugged it down, banging it down for more.

_Sometime later…_

Naruto groaned as he got up. Since the old man had died, he'd gotten completely plastered on paint thinner. Ever since he'd found out about it supposedly being toxic, he'd been careful to never offer paint-thinner to visitors again. It never mattered how much paint thinner he drank, he'd never gotten a hangover, which was probably due to the fuzzball. Before he'd known about it, he'd just assumed that hangovers were just made up by adults to stop their children drinking.

Within the seal, Kurama groaned as he suffered from a monstrous hangover, which felt like he was being separated from the Jyuubi again. It was all the fault of his Jinchuuruki, who drank like a fish, and while being drunk was pleasant, the aftereffects certainly weren't.

"**You FUCKING ASSHOLE!"**

Naruto, meanwhile, pleasantly stretched, and went over to his kitchen to get some ramen for breakfast. As he did so, he then noticed where he was exactly. The bedroom was much higher in class than it was normally, which was less 'bedroom,' and more 'barely better than a slum.' Sure, he kept his room clean, but he certainly didn't have any paint on his walls, because he'd eaten it when he was younger. Or pictures of himself, because that was what perverts like Sasuke-teme did- they put pictures of themselves all around their rooms and then thought they were the greatest thing since painting the Hokage monument in broad daylight.. Pictures of himself in the shower… Naruto reached the logical conclusion with all this evidence. High-class, pictures on the wall…

_Oh God, Konohamaru's gay for me. Oh god oh god oh god oh god oh-_

"Hinata-sama, your breakfast is- Oh my." One of those Hyuuga people with the weird eyes had just opened the door and was standing frozen in shock, looking down. Naruto did so, and realised that he was completely naked. He grinned sheepishly at her, then preformed a basic Henge of himself with clothes. No use, still shocked. Then he remembered that the Hyuuga could see through the Henge. He took a couple of deep breaths. At least, things couldn't get any worse.

"Oh… good morning, Naruto-kun." Gulping, he turned around to the bed.

It was a nice traditional bed, with lilac linen and a white undersheet. In there was…

"Oh, Hinata-chan." He sighed in relief. At least it wasn't Konohamaru. She sighed at him.

"You were… so gentle, Naruto-kun. I had a really good time last night." He stared at her with the eyes of a damned man, already searching for an escape. Well, things couldn't get worse for him now.

At that thought, Neji and Hinata's father barged in, Byakugan active, into her room, where they then stood, mouths agape at Naruto. Naruto then realised that things HAD gotten worse. As Neji and the other guy got over their shock, Naruto silently began to cry.

What had he done?

Meanwhile, Sasuke awoke. Unlike Naruto, he had only bought the best sake, and had drunk ridiculous quantities. As a result, he was suffering from the mother of all hangovers. The veins in his eyes had coloured his eyes an unhealthy shade of pink, and his hair was mussed up ridiculously. As he blearily looked around his room, he got up, and wished he hadn't. It felt like he'd just dunked his eyes in the inextinguishable flames of Madara's Amaterasu. The sun was so bright, and the sound of him moving out of bed felt like Naruto was playing a brass band in his head. So he got up, and tried to step as quietly as possible so that he could get into his shower, clean himself up, and then eat something.

_Why did I drink so much again? _When he thought of that, a nasty memory of his anger over the Dobe's toads surfaced.

_Oh yeah, that's right. Dobe, this is all your fault. If you didn't have that summoning contract, then I wouldn't have had to drink to forget that you had that summoning contract. Clearly, I'm going to beat you up for this. _His stomach gave a lurch, and he staggered over to the toilet to vomit. As he vomited, he failed to notice an old man covered in bandages run out at surprising speed, covering himself with his hand.

Eventually, Sasuke rose, wiping his mouth and feeling a little bit better. Walking over to the kitchen, he grabbed a glass and filled it with water at the tap, then drank it down slowly, trying to remember what he'd done last night. Normally, he had an amazing memory, but now, he couldn't remember, maybe it was due to the alcohol. All he remembered was going to the bathroom and drinking again.

_Okay, what did I do last night?_


	2. Gate of Hangover, Part the Second

Hiashi looked at his nephew, wondering what to talk about. It wasn't often that they got to bond with each other, due to Neji being a Branch House member, so he treasured these moments that he bonded with his brother's son. "So, Neji-kun. How is your team doing?" Neji suppressed a shudder. Team Guy was Team Guy, unfortunately.

"Well, you know the deal. Might Guy and Lee hug each other constantly when not training, and Tenten just throws weapons at targets while running at high speeds." Hiashi nodded soberly.

"I see. And how is your training going?"  
"It's going well. I think that, by the end of the month, I'll be able to reapply for Genin."

"Really? That's awesome, Neji!" Naruto's interjection went largely unnoticed.

"By the way, when are you going to let me down? Only the blood's rushing to my head."  
"Better there than… the other way!" Neji flushed red at that. Some ninja were born lucky. Others were very lucky. Naruto appeared to have a third leg. On a completely unrelated note, Neji was contemplating becoming a swordsman. That way, he'd feel a little better about himself. Maybe Tenten could help out, he'd seen her throwing swords enough to know that she could handle a sword.

Naruto was currently hanging upside down from the rafters, with a loincloth over his groin. Hiashi and Neji were sitting underneath him, while Hinata tried to break out of her bondage.

"Neji, when I break free you'll…you'll…" Good thing that Hinata couldn't really be nasty, otherwise Neji would have been a bit more apprehensive. With a cough, Hiashi turned back to the matter at hand.

"Enough formalities." Naruto turned an interesting shade of purple.

"FORMALITIES?! YOU TIED ME UP AND THEN STARTED TALKING WITH EACH OTHER!" Hiashi turned to him.

"Exactly, I was doing the traditional Hyuuga Bonding With Your Nephew Conversation." Somehow, Naruto could feel the capital letters slide in with each word.  
"Do you guys have traditions for everything?"  
"Yes. Including what to do with people who sleep with a Main Clan member."  
"W-WAIT! I don't remember anything, I was drunk!" Hiashi turned to him.

"Drunk?" Naruto tried to nod.

"Yeah, I was so depressed about the old man dying, I hit the paint thinner." Hiashi and Neji looked at each other in a confused manner, before Hiashi nodded.

"You don't act hungover."  
"I've never had a hangover in my life." Hiashi looked at him (well, he thought he was looking at him, it was hard to tell with their freaky eyes) with a look of envy.

"You lucky bastard." Neji coughed.

"The choices, Hiashi-sama?" Hiashi nodded, and turned his face towards Naruto.

"Naruto Uzumaki, you have two choices. Either you marry my daughter and endure the 72-hour welcoming ceremony without moving a muscle-"  
"What."  
"Or, we preform the Castration Strike on you." Hiashi looked particularly pleased about that option.  
"What?"

"Essentially, we strike your testicles with Jyuuken, making them explode. The process is extremely painful, and you might die from bloodloss. But, on the bright side, you will be able to sing soprano for the rest of your life. Which do you choose?" Naruto considered. Either not move for three days and get married, or have his family jewels destroyed.  
"Will I have my jewels unattacked when I'm married?"  
"Yes. How else would you consummate your marriage?"

"In that case… I'll marry Hinata." Hiashi looked slightly despondent, as far as Naruto could see.

"Very well. I'll start the arrangements." Hinata got free at that point, and started pulling Naruto down. Once down, she then hugged him so tightly he felt his ribs creak.  
"I never thought this day would come, Naruto-kun!"  
"Stop… air." Blushing, she let up. Hesitantly, he returned the hug, all the while, trying to figure out how he had gone from drinking paint thinner in misery to being engaged to Hinata-chan. Where had he fucked up?

Meanwhile, on the Gates of Konoha, two guards were having an intellectual discussion of great importance.

"So… I had this dream last night." The other guy made a sage nod, and closely dug through his nose for gold.

"So, I was falling off the Hokage monument, and suddenly, I'm saved by Kakashi. And then I hugged him, and said he was really strong… what the fuck does that say about me?"  
"It says you're gay."  
"What? NO, no, I'm straight as an arrow." The other guard looked at the result of his recent excavations. Satisfied, he flicked it at the gate.  
"Well, what do you think it says?" The first guard looked at him.

"I think it says that I'm afraid of the Hokage Monument, or heights, or… SOMETHING! It doesn't mean that I'm gay." The other guard made the official 'whoop de doo' gesture and looked ahead.

"I mean, I'm married, I have a kid, I can't be gay. Those are indicators of not-gayness."

"Uh huh. You keep saying that."

"I mean, look at that chick coming here. She's hot with a capital H! Watch, I'll talk to her!" Smoothing down his unruly mop of hair, the guard cleared his throat. "Um, hey there, hot stuff!" In response, she kicked him into the balls and showed her passport to the other guard, who examined it and approved it. As she flounced past, the second guard turned to him.

"That looks painful. Is that a new stretch or something?" A groan came from his comrade in response.

Sasuke, out of desperation, started searching his apartment for a sign of anything he did on the last night. The only sign he found was a hospital armband, and another seal on his body. It was something he didn't recognise, and it was on his stomach, just under the belly button. It kind of looked like a mutant Yin-Yang sign, what with the two differently toned, intersecting sections, filled with scrawled down kanji. Given that he knew next to nothing about sealing, Sasuke decided to check at the hospital first. After all, he could just check with the Hokage's advisors about the seal.

_At the hospital…_

The med-nin on duty scowled at the Uchiha boy, who had come in to the hospital again after last night, asking about what he'd done. Given his pale complexion and shaking, he assumed that the boy was having the mother of all hangovers, and was probably going to vomit all over the floor. As the only available professional, he decided to explain things.

"At around 2300 hours, you came in here drunkenly, with Advisor Shimura-san, Clan Head Chouza Akimichi, along with Hatake-san. All of you were roaring drunk, and you were talking about a wedding of some sort. It was pretty hard to pinpoint what you were saying due to your inebriated state, as I'm sure you understand." The Uchiha boy paled even further at that statement.  
"My wedding?"  
"No, I think it was Hatake-san's wedding you were talking about, given that he was talking about his marriage at extremely loud volumes." Sasuke nodded.

"Right, I'll talk to Kakashi."  
"Oh, and one more thing." The Uchiha looked at him.

"What is it?"  
"Well, I took a blood test of you from last night, and there was an indication of all of your blood samples containing trace elements of soldier pills. Mixing soldier pills with alcohol is an extremely bad idea, as it causes even larger debits in self-control and energy than normal alcohol, and unless you had your Sharingan activated while drunk, then you're probably never going to remember what happened." Sasuke looked like a paper cut-out at that statement, then activated the Sharingan. After a moment, he shook his head.

"I don't remember anything. Must not have had it active." The nin tried to smile.

"Try talking to Chouza. He had less traces of soldier pills in his system, so he's probably got more memories of what happened last night." The Uchiha nodded, then turned green. The nin sighed, and pulled out a bucket. Unfortunately, one of the other teammate- what was her name again? Cherry? Chose that moment to walk in, on her teammate vomiting in a bucket.

"Hey, Sasu-" She stood, horrified, at the fact that Sasuke was currently vomiting in a bucket. Then, the latest Yamanaka member of the Ino-Shika-Chou trio then poked her head in.

"HEY, FOREHEAD, WHA-" She, too, was mesmerized by the sight of the stuck-up Uchiha chucking his guts up. The sight of this would fill the med-nin with laughter for the rest of his life.


	3. Gate of Hangover, Part the Third

Naruto looked around. The welcoming ceremony could have been worse.

Sure, the old farts who were currently glaring at him like he was the scum of the earth smelled like mothballs, and Hiashi was looking at his crotch in an almost sad way, but at least Neji wasn't here. Man, he still kind of hated that guy for almost killing Hinata, even if he was feeling better. At least the opening ceremony didn't look too boring from where he was sitting. There was a lot of dancing, and Branch House members were serving food. It was pretty funny though, the reactions he was getting from them. He'd just smiled at one guy, and he'd retreated backwards as if the Kyuubi was after him. Weird. He almost raised a hand, but didn't, out of fear of Hiashi interpreting that as, 'you moved too much, say goodbye to your balls.' He would have liked to see Neji though. Have someone explain why the Branch House members were acting like cowards. Oh, wait, he had an explanation- he was a Jinchuuruki, the scum of the village. And the food was good, even though there wasn't any ramen. Maybe it wasn't 'High Class' enough for them.

Meanwhile, Tenten was training alone, throwing kunai, sickles, axes, swords, and even warhammers at targets, still a little annoyed- well, a LOT annoyed- by the events of the Chuunin exams. She knew that she'd just had bad luck in her matchup, but it still hurt her professional pride to admit that she was beaten because she hadn't adapted her tactics to her opponents Wind manipulation.

"Tenten." She turned around, to look at the only other sane member of her team. Neji was looking at the sword in her hand strangely. In his hand… was an extremely long nodachi- easily eight feet long. He looked at her impassively.

"Teach me how to use swords." She looked at him.

"Shouldn't you start off with something smaller?" Neji stiffened slightly, but shook his head. "No, I want to get used to this weight and reach." Odd, but understandable. If he wanted to learn how to use the weapon as quickly as possible, then doing it like that was the best way.

"Alright, you're holding it the wrong way. Hold it in front of you with both hands, for starters." Neji complied, waiting eagerly for lessons in how to use this incredible weapon. Now, Naruto wasn't the only one with something too big for them!

Meanwhile, Naruto was starting to break under the constant pressure of just sitting still. Beads of sweat made their way down his neck, as the oldest and smelliest of the elders started droning on… and on… and on. He'd stopped listening after the first five minutes, and was starting to fall asleep, and the only reason why he wasn't asleep was because Hinata was holding his hand next to him. He was a man of his word, and he wasn't going to fall asleep in front of Old Mothball here! No, he was going to sit through this entire ceremony, even if it cost him his life!

Sasuke growled internally, although he didn't show it. The reason for his anger was because his two fangirls, convinced that he was suffering from some kind of disease, had decided to cure him, despite knowing no healing jutsu and having no medical expertise of any kind whatsoever. As a result, he looked like a badly wrapped mummy while the fangirls were arguing over what to give him in the next room.

"Aspirin!"  
"Healing balm!"

"Crystal therapy!"  
"Placebo!"

Were they trying to kill him? Who could tell. Oh God, he was going to die and That Man would not suffer his revengeance! Fuck this. Fuck fate.

At that moment, Kakashi nonchalantly mooched into the room.

"Well, Sasuke, I heard that you were ill over the grapevine." He looked at the boy.

"Wow, looks like a serious injury if you have to be covered in bandages like that." Sasuke tried to respond, but only managed to groan. Kakashi just patted him on the head while he eye-smiled.

"Now, now, Sasuke, you can't move too much, or you'll open your wounds again!" While Sasuke struggled to say a bunch of choice insults at him, Kakashi continued.

"Sasuke, I seem to have been married, and I only have you as a lead as to how that happened. I'll get you out in a moment." He pulled out a kunai and started to lower it down, about to free Sasuke from his bondage. Just then, his two biggest (and most annoying) fangirls came in and saw Kakashi about to cut Sasuke free and interpreted the scene differently.

"AH! KAKASHI-SENSEI'S ABOUT TO KILL SASUKE-KUN!"

"NOOO!"

Kakashi's visible eye drooped at the stupidity of that statement.

"What."

Just then, a Hyuuga rushed in and turned to the Uchiha in bondage.

"Uchiha-san, I was told that you were in the hospital, being treated for injuries encountered in battle. In that case, may I say that you are formally invited to the wedding of Hinata Hyuuga of the Main House and Naruto Uzumaki of the Noble and Ancient Uzumaki clan." Kakashi looked at the visitor.

"I'm sorry, but could you repeat that for me?"  
"Uchiha-san-"  
"No, not that. The bit about Naruto being married. That can't be right." The Hyuuga just looked at him like he was an idiot.

"Well, he is getting married. It's been at least, what, nearly a hundred years since an outsider has married a member of the Main House. At least he has a good lineage." As Kakashi spluttered about this, Sasuke renewed his muffled screams. The Dead last had managed to marry the ONE girl who wasn't interested in him? Well, he could live with that.

"Oh, right, bandages."

By the time they made it to the Hyuuga compound, it sounded like the party was at full swing. Kakashi was still shaking his head.

"Naruto, you will never cease to surprise us." Sasuke made a noncommittal grunt and looked at the perfectly still idiot. For someone who normally couldn't stop moving, he was sitting as still as a statue.

"What's up with the Idiot?"  
"Hyuuga are a very traditional clan. Probably a formal ceremony that forces him to sit there for a ridiculous amount of time." Kakashi shrugged, gravitating over to the tables of food and grabbing a bowl. Shrugging, Sasuke did the same. He was feeling quite hungry that afternoon. Looking around, he noticed that some of the Branch House members were looking at him in an odd way. He glared at them and turned to his bowl. While he was filling his bowl and eating, he wondered where that Neji guy that Naruto had fought in the Chūnin exams was.

"Neji, don't you think you should rest? You've been going through the drills for over three hours." Tenten was mildly concerned. Neji sagged.

"No, I'll train a bit more. I have to use this. That way, I can prove to be an awesome Hyuuga."  
"I thought you were a taijutsu specialist in Gentle Palm."  
"Yes, but now I have a sword in case I need a sword." And with that, he continued going through the basic weapon drills. Tenten just sighed at his stubbornness.

_Where does that guy even get his drive from anyway…?_

Meanwhile, Sasuke was talking with Kakashi.

"…So that's how I woke up, with this really weird seal on my gut." Kakashi nodded.

"I see. Do you remember anything?" Sasuke shook his head.

"No. I'd say you don't." Kakashi nodded.

"Not a thing. Apart from my new wife."  
"Who is she?" Kakashi shuddered.

"Anko Mitarashi."

_Flashback no jutsu…_

"_Uggggghhhh…" Kakashi moaned as he got out of bed, walking over to the door. Trying to open it, he discovered it was locked and covered in strange seals that prevented anyone without a pass from exiting._

"_This isn't my door. Where is my door?" As Kakashi searched around for his door, a tired but still terrifyingly recognisable voice came from the bed he had just recently vacated._

"_Morning, honey…" He turned around, muscles stiffening._

_Anko Mitarashi. The psychopathic Special Jounin, the Snake Mistress, and all-around crazy bitch was currently naked in front of him. While Kakashi was on one level pleased, on all other levels he was terrified. While he was one of the best Jounin in the Village, when Kunoichi were properly motivated, they could destroy even Kage with their power. Briefly, he wondered if the Sage of Six Paths ever had this problem._

_Diversion no Jutsu!_

_The man who would be known as the Sage of Six Paths was currently running away from some pissed-off women who he'd groped. His robes were tattered, his eyes were bugged and he had a nosebleed that was still dripping on the ground._

"_GET BACK HERE YOU RED-HAIRED PERVERT!" Despite the dangers, he grinned. Using Banshō Ten'in on those women so that he could grope those beautiful breasts was so totally worth the pain and energy expended. Maybe he should give the energy a name or something…_

_Then the Ten-Tails attacked and suddenly women weren't chasing him anymore. All was good in the world._

_Reversion no Jutsu!_

_Kakashi shook his head mentally. No way would the inventor of chakra have been beaten up by women just because he peeked on them._

"_H-hello, Anko oh god don't kill me or burn my porn I'll do anythi-" She shut him up by pulling his mask down and giving him a kiss._

"_Shut up, and come and please your wife." Kakaashi's eye bugged out._

"_WHAT?" Anko giggled like an Academy Student._

"_Oh, you're so SILLY, Kakashi!" She leered at him and he shivered._

"_I like that in a man. Being silly. And you were silly when we married last night."  
Married last night? All he remembered doing was getting absolutely shitfaced in the Jounin bar with Asuma…_

_Wait, usually he could remember things from when he was drunk. To not remember anything at all meant that his drink had been tampered with. As he tried to leave, Anko stopped him._

"_Come on, we're on our honeymoon together…" As Kakashi felt his innocence die (again, a unique experience,) Anko pulled out a riding crop and a pair f handcuffs._

"_Remember, the safeword is 'Snake.' You got that?" Kakashi nodded, fearful for his manhood._

_Flashback end no Jutsu!_

"After that, I had sex for two hours with a BDSM bitch." Kakashi pulled down another drink of potent sake. Setting it down, he refilled and continued talking.

"I'll tell you this. My dick feels like it was attached to a Suna puppet master and then slammed into the ground twenty times. I'm not sure how I'm even walking." He shrugged.

"Still, it could be worse. I could be married to a Hyuuga." Sasuke looked at him curiously.

"Why is getting married to a Hyuuga a bad thing?"  
"Two words, Sasuke. Herbal Tea. Gives you more… endurance."  
"That sounds quite useful in battle." Kakashi turned a strange look on Sasuke.  
"Yeah, if you want to intimidate the enemy by having sex with the nearest attractive human being… or goat… in the area." Sasuke blinked, then focused on something he'd heard.  
"Why did you say goat?" Kakashi turned a haunted look on him and he shied back a little.

"When I was twelve years old, I saw some fucked-up shit in the war. I saw the Seven Swordsmen of the Mist, I saw the Tsuchikage's Dust Release, I even saw a ninja who was even more badly dressed then Gai." He shuddered.

"There are things that man was not meant to know. I saw it. You do not want to know about the goat." Sasuke wondered what was so bad about the goat that left Kakashi so traumatised. He decided to follow Kakashi's advice on this one.

* * *

**Author's Notes: I like reviews. Please give me reviews. Authors live on reviews. Reviews make up authors. Authors are human. Therefore, I need reviews to stay alive. Also, we are getting to some weird shit.**


	4. Gate of Hangover, Part the Fourth

Sasuke and Kakashi waited, then as soon as Naruto entered the room they grabbed him and pinned him down.

"AH! I KNEW IT! YOU TWO WANT TO HAVE YOUR WAY WITH ME!" Naruto quickly covered his rectum with both hands, fearful of the 'yaoi' that Sakura was always giggling about when she thought no-body was looking or listening to her. It would make sense for Kakashi and Sasuke to be those kinds of people. Kakashi was quick to reassure him.

"No, Naruto, we're not here to have our way with you, certainly not like that. We're here to ask you what happened last night." Naruto blinked.

"You mean you don't remember what happened last night either?" Sasuke's eye twitched.

"So you're saying that you're in the same boat as we are- we literally cannot remember anything about anything last night."  
"No. Usually, I do, even after I've drunk two litres of paint thinner." Sasuke blinked, then decided that the dobe was lying about the paint thinner. Instead, he focused on the other details of the med-nin's report.

"Kakashi." The lazy jounin turned his eye towards the boy.  
"Hm?"  
"I think we have another lead." Kakashi seized the Last Uchiha by the shoulders.

"Who." The man's voice was laden with desperation.  
"Chouza Akimichi. He was with us at the hospital, remember?" Kakashi rubbed his chin.

"Well, I saw him at the buffet table, we might be able to catch him. Then, we can ask him about who put soldier pills in our drinks."

"Wait, soldier pills?" Kakashi decided to humour the boy.

"Yes, soldier pills. Mix soldier pills with alcohol and you have even fewer inhibitions that normal." Naruto looked confused.  
"But I thought that soldier pills were destroyed in bleach."  
"What?" Naruto pushed a pair of glasses up (where he'd gotten glasses from wasn't thought about at all) and started to explain.

"You see, paint thinner tastes a bit too acidic, so I decided to get some bleach in, as it tastes kind of lemony. But then, it was too bitter, so I put some soldier pills into the mixture to make it taste better." Sasuke just stared at him. How was the dobe still standing? Scratch that; how'd he even lived to be this old?

"Dobe, how are you even alive?"  
"What? Everyone likes paint thinner and bleach. They're two great tastes that go well together." Kakashi and Sasuke decided to just roll with it.

"Yeah, sure, whatever." Was the general sentiment of the two. Sasuke looked at Naruto, who seemed a lot more mellow.

"Naruto, you seem… calmer." Naruto blinked.

"Do I?"

"Yeah, normally, you're bouncing off the walls when you've been cooped up so long." Naruto nodded.

"It's just that Hiashi has threatened to cut off my balls with his Castration Palm if I try to move." Both Sasuke and Kakashi winced in male sympathy, of threats to the balls. Many ninja friendships and alliances had been made based on how big the threat to one's balls was. Of course, kunoichi often made friends bitching about their other friends' bigger cup size. Still, the feeling was the same.

"Dobe, I feel for you."  
"Now, Naruto, being married is a big responsibility-"  
"I'm getting married because of that traditional Hyūga Castration Palm in the first place!" He sank over.

"I mean, sure, Hinata's nice and all, but I don't want to live with Hiashi and Neji!"  
"Speaking of Neji, why isn't he here?" Sasuke glanced around.

"I don't know!"

Neji, meanwhile, was grinning in exhaustion. He was going to take a break, then get right back into sword training. Yes… this sword would become as much a part of him as DON'T THINK ABOUT IT GET BACK TO THE SWORD. He started to laugh maniacly.

Tenten watched the saner member of their team burst into maniacal laughter from where he lay prostate on the ground. While he, along with her, were effective bastions against the Power of Gai and Lee, when he started talking about Fate, she knew that it was best to just smile and back off slowly. God, she was the only normal member of the team for the whole time. Sure in her sanity, she picked up a sickle and absent-mindedly calculated the arc she would have to throw it at in order to get the sickle to lodge itself up to the hilt in the tree.

"I really don't know. Anyway, we need to find Chouza. He's probably by the buffet table." Kakashi rubbed his chin.

"We might have to wait until the wedding is over to grab him." Sasuke nodded, then turned to leave.

"Wait, guys, could you save me some ramen?"  
"Dobe, you're eating the food of nobles and you want to eat ramen." Naruto exploded.

"HEY, RAMEN IS AMAZING AND THIS FOOD IS GOOD AND-"  
"Naruto-sama, you're required to come back for the ceremony."  
"-And I'll see you afterwards." Naruto bolted, leaving Sasuke and Kakashi blinking stupidly at the space where he'd been.

"Konoha's Number One Surprising Ninja protocol?"  
"Hn."

Now back at the table, Naruto felt refreshed enough to focus on what the Hyūga elders were carping on about. Something about 'marriage consummation.' Well, he could consummate, he just didn't remember much. Seeing that the elders weren't going to stop, Naruto focused minimally on them and started to carefully look around, out of his peripheral vision. Yep, Hiashi was still there, polishing a kunai in a pointed way. There was Hinata's little sister, all serious-like. There was Sasuke and Kakashi-sensei, waving at him form the snack table. Man, how weren't they as big as the Akimichi? Oh, and speaking of the Akimichi, there was Chouji, and Shikamaru, and Ino, all in formal clothes and smiling. Even Kiba was there, wearing a suit that looked WAY too formal and with his puppy sitting beside him. He almost laughed at how fidgety Kiba was, then remembered that he had to be all stoic.

"…As the Elders of the Hyūga clan, we pronounce Hinata Hyūga, daughter of Clan Head Hiashi Hyūga, and Naruto Uzumaki, Clan Head of the Uzumaki clan, legally married Husband and Wife. You may kiss the bride." Blinking in shock, Naruto kissed Hinata. Well, it was… nice. REALLY nice. If he was wearing his old jumpsuit pants, there would have been a considerable tent. He was in a daze when they were led back to Hinata's room with a pot of tea. When the door was shut, and Hinata poured him and her a cup of tea, he drank it down shakily, needing something to do with his hands.

"There goes a man who won't rest for quite a while." Sasuke looked at him.

"How long is the ceremony?"  
"Three days, or one day of wedding and two days of mind-blowing sex." Seeing Sasuke's confused expression, Kakashi explained.

"You see, Sasuke, the happy couple get a special tea that is only available to the Hyūga clan. Essentially, it, well, gets your 'hot blood' up for two days straight."  
"TWO DAYS?!"  
"Yep. We won't be seeing much of Naruto and Hinata."

Meanwhile, in the background, Kiba and Shino were conferring with each other about the loss of their mutual crush, Hinata.

"Well, at least it's Naruto. He doesn't have a dirty bone in his body." Kiba smirked, knowing this from relentlessly staking out Naruto to find whether or not he entered porn shops. It wasn't creepy, he just didn't want him hurting Hinata.

"OH GOD GIVE ME MORE, NARUTO!"

Currently, the effects of the tea on both people were making themselves known in their private bedchambers.

"That's true. Naruto has no impure motivations. Why? Because I have searched his flat for pornography and found none." Kiba stared at his friend.

"You're really weird, aren't you," said the genin who had once been sniffing the blond for the smell of semen after he'd learned about Hinata's crush on him.

"OH GOD THIS FEELS AMAZING! THIS IS BETTER THAN RAMEN!"

"Says the person who literally sleeps with his dog in his bed." Without changing his default facial expression, Shino managed to imply a hundred different things about Kiba that caused him to splutter with incoherent rage before calming down.  
"Don't take that attitude with me, Shino, you have BUGS crawling through your body. Can you even-" At Kurenai's disapproving glare, he amended it to "lift?"

"Yes, Kiba, I can 'lift." Shino's face showed no emotion, but there was a certain tightness in his voice that advised Kiba to drop the subject. Kiba wisely dropped it, but resolved to ask his friend later.

Meanwhile, Kakashi and Sasuke were trying to find Chouza, which was surprisingly hard.

"How hard can it be for two Sharingan users to find the head of the Akimichi?" In response, Kakashi lightly tapped him on the head.

"Very. Look around you- more Akimichi than you can shake a stick at." And indeed, the buffet table was swamped by Akimichi. Sasuke 'hn'd' and went off in search of the elusive clan head by doing something that he really shouldn't have- asking for help.

"Excuse me, but we're looking for the Clan Head. We want to talk to him about…" Sasuke wracked his brains for a suitable excuse, "a marriage contract." The large Chūnin looked at the young Uchiha before hollering for the clan chief. Eventually, Chouza came over, and when he saw Sasuke, only the Sharingan was able to pick up on the involuntary shudder that ran through his body.

In a falsely sweet voice, Kakashi said, "Well, Chouza-sama, we must discuss this marriage contract between the Noble Akimichi and Uchiha clans in a more… private venue."

Meanwhile, Danzō Shimura, head of ROOT, was currently packing his bags extremely fast, and panicking. The other ROOT agents were standing around him, listening to him muttering with blank facial expressions. Eventually, Danzō had packed his bags and, forcing it down, turned to leave.  
"Danzō-sama." He whirled around, keeping his composure as best he could.

"What is it, 34?" The young, nubile, EXTREMELY sexy young lady with a chest to rival Tsunade's saluted, causing curious shifts in her anatomy that all male members of ROOT tracked with interest.

"Sir, we've been alerted that there is now a council meeting, and we need you there." Danzō paled. He couldn't still be in this village, not after what he'd done. There was doing what was best for the village, and then there were things like what he'd done. He had to leave urgently.

"Tell them that I can't make it." 34 folded her arms under her 'tracts of territory', causing a new initiate into ROOT, Sai, to stoically lose blood through his nose.

"Sir, with all due respect, they want you there immediately. It's a problem that they cannot deal with without your expertise." Danzō almost blushed at this praise, but quickly quelled it down_. You are a rock. You are an Island, Danzō_. He nodded.s

"Keep my bags packed. 34, you're coming with me to this meeting." She saluted and bounced on the balls of her feet, causing even 69, one of his best operatives, to lose what looked like a near-fatal amount of blood. He sighed. Such was the price of getting decent female recruits. Still, he knew what was best for this village, and he had plans. Learning that the Weapon had been married was a good sign Now, at least, the Weapon was stable enough to send out into battle.


	5. Gate of Hangover, Part the Fifth

Sasuke and Kakashi were looking at Chouza, who looked back with an air of resignation. Finally, Sasuke spoke in an amazingly calm voice for someone who was so angry at being drugged.

"Why," and there was a twitch in his eye, "did you add soldier pills to my drink. Why would you do something like that?" In his defence, Chouza barely blinked.

"Because you were being a stuck-up, whiny little princess and I wanted to teach you a lesson in humility." Kakashi looked at him.

"Why drug me as well?" Chouza shrugged.

"I wanted to see the Goat Incident again." Kakashi screamed like a little girl and tried to Chidori his genitals off. Sasuke had to hold him back. Chouza looked on with an apologetic glare.

"Just kidding. I did it because you were also being a whiny little princess."  
"Was not."  
"Actually, you were."

_Flashback no jutsu!_

"_Obito… I failed you!" Kakashi was sprawled, drunk, over the top of the Jōnin bar. Asuma leant away from him. Oh, brother, he'd forgotten that Kakashi was a melancholy drunk, the kind of drunk person who, when drunk, got depressed. _

"_I'M NOT WORTHY OF YOUR EYE!" And then came the attempted eye gouging, which failed because Kakashi was drunk and he was restraining his hand from gouging out his eye. He feebly struggled before giving up the ghost and instead ordering two drinks, 'one for him n' one f'r O… O… TOBI!'_

_Diversion no jutsu!_

_Tobi sneezed, forgetting that he had his mask on. _

"_Ew." Forgetting that he was wearing the mask, he flipped through the handseals for the Grand Fireball._

_Fwoosh._

"_OH DEAR SWEET KAMI MY HEAD IS ON FIRE!" The screaming man launched himself out the window and buried his head in the lake, ignoring Konan and her Paper Bombs. It wasn't as if that was some kind of devious plot to kill him or anything, right?_

_Reversion no jutsu!_

_Kakashi slugged back both drinks. Just then, the door burst open, and in walked… Asuma surreptitiously disrupted his chakra, as the sight before him was too surreal to be reality._

_Chouza Akimichi was wearing what looked like a pair of panties on his head, and he was singing with Sasuke, who was wearing a bra on his head. They were both being supported by Danzō, who was directing them in singing, and was wearing a bra over his bandaged eye, with a pair of panties supporting the bra's placement._

"…_And it's hard to get a lay in Iwa, Iwa, it's hard to get a lay in Iwa, Iwa, it's hard to get a lay in IWA!" They finished their vulgar song. He noticed that the Uchiha was drunk off his tits as well._

"_That wash a good shong, Danzhō!" The normally uptight man smiled, a real Naruto of a grin. Asuma stabbed his hand. This was totally a genjutsu._

"_Ishn't it? I learned it from Shenshei Tobirama Shenju." Kakashi staggered over to them, drink in hand. He'd forgotten how bipolar he was when drunk._

"_Right, let'sh shing thish shong that MY shenshei shometimesh shang when he wash drunk!" With that, Kakashi started to sing, "The Kunai and the Shuriken." Asuma, deciding that he'd had enough to drink that night, called for his check. And possibly get a psyche evaluation if this was what he imagined when he was drunk._

_Flashback jutsu end!_

"…And that's what I remember." The two of them were even paler than normal, a noteworthy feat.

"I sang the Kunai and Shuriken song."  
"I wore a bra on my head." Chouza shrugged.

"I had mind-blowing sex with three women at once." They stared at him.

"Three words: Baika no Jutsu." He smirked. "That, and I'm already 'big-boned,' if you know what I mean."

"I didn't want to hear that." Chouza smirked.

"Chouji's definitely got my genes in him."  
"That's disgusting." Sasuke blanched. Chouza continued.  
"The dust from when I crushed soldier pills must have gotten sprinkled in my drink, heh." He rubbed the back of his head.

"Do you remember the wedding?"  
"Bits of it. You flat out told Anko that you loved her, then you shoved your face in her breasts." Kakashi facefaulted on the gorund.

"I don't remember much else, but I think that Sasuke was your best man. Also, I think that Asuma married you."  
"Asuma? Oh, right, he's a ninja monk. How'd he get mixed up in all this?"

_Flashback no jutsu!_

_Asuma was having the time of his life right now. He and Kurenai were in an alleyway, both off their heads with alcohol._

"_Kure-chan… I've got something for you," he managed to say without it slurring._

""_ASHUMA! ME N' ANKO'RE GETTING' MARRIED!" Oh god. Kakashi and Anko staggered towards him, Kakashi's hands on her breasts and her hand on his… kunai and smoke bombs. Anko looked at him._

"_You're a ninja monk, right? Could you marry us?" Sasuke chimed in._

"_Yeah, I've got a ring here!" He held up a pipe cleaner tied into a vague ring shape. Asuma would normally turn them away, but he was drunk as well._

"_Shure, why not?" _

_Flashback end no jutsu!_

"I think we found him with Kurenai in an alleyway or something." Kakashi nodded.

"So the marriage is legal. Guess I'm stuck with Anko."  
"Why not get a divorce?" As soon as the words left his mouth, Chouza knew that that wasn't an option. Anko was the Crazy Snake Bitch, after all. She might castrate you with the handle of a kunai, somehow. He'd seen her do things with her snakes that were the definition of hot, but were still… just plain _wrong_. No, divorcing Anko was nothing short of suicide.

"Right, forget I said anything." Sasuke spoke.

"Do you know anything about the seal on my stomach, then?" He lifted his shirt. Chouza squinted.

"Looks like the ultrasound of a baby, if you ask me. I don't remember anything like that when I was with you. You did go off alone with Danzō Shimura-sama, though, he'd know about it, probably."

Meanwhile, Danzō was in deep shit with the council, or, rather, Jiraya. Trust his luck for the meeting to be with Jiraya of the Sannin. As soon as he'd entered, he'd been knocked on the head before he could Izanagi his ass out of there. Now, he was covered in enough chakra suppressors to make sure that he couldn't Izanagi while his arm and Sharingan were removed from him. Jiraya looked at him seriously.

"Hello, Danzō. Running off due to what you did with the Uchiha?" The shit-eating grin he was wearing made Danzō extremely nervous, though he didn't show it.

_No way can he know about this. It's-_

"-not possible, right?" He leant in, a cocky smirk on his afce.

"Danzō Shimura, the man who fucked the Last Uchiha and has a Sharingan implanted in his head, and an arm made of cells belonging to the First Hokage. You're going to tell me everything you know."  
"Everything?" Danzō squeaked, bravado forgotten. 34 was restrained next to him, stripped naked and impassive about Jiraya's perving. Jiraya nodded.

"Oh, yes. And Ibiki wants to test some of his new tortures on you." He'd gone out of the frying pan, through the fire and right into the pits of Hell. He quaked in fear, and he felt a suspicious wetness around his groin as Jiraya got out a brush and dipped it in sealing ink. Even his emergency suicide seal had been disabled. Today… was a bad day.

Meanwhile, Naruto woke up, next to a VERY naked and attractive Hinata. As his eyes roamed, he felt extremely calm. It was as if his blood had been replaced with lukewarm tea. He felt refreshed, energised, and above all, calm.

"Hinata."  
"Y-yes?"  
"I think that I love you."  
"Naruto… I've loved you since we first met."  
"Since we were five years old? That's… quite a long time." Naruto felt ashamed that he hadn't paid enough attention to the one girl who loved him with such devotion.

"I'm sorry, Hinata." When she looked at him curiously, he continued. "For not noticing you." They hugged, and Naruto felt complete. Nothing could spoil his day.

"NARUTO, YOU HAVE PROVEN YOURSELF A MAN!" No. Oh, dear God, NO. Why was HE here?

"ERO-SANNIN!"

**Author's note.**

**REVIEW!**


	6. Gate of Hangover, Part the Sixth

Naruto was absolutely livid. First, Ero-sennin shows up in a private room for who knows how long, but he was now interrupting the best moment of his short life, apart from finding Ichiraku ramen and becoming a ninja in the first place. He scowled, and turned to Hinata.

"Hinata-chan, can I eviscerate him?" When she nodded, he grinned viciously. Jiraya looked nervous, which was good. He should be, perving on people like this.

"Now, Naruto, before you try to violently kill me, let me tell you how proud I am of you. You're truly like your father on HIS wedding night." That stopped Naruto.

"My father? Ero-sennin, whi didn't you tell me before?" Jiraya looked pained, and Naruto sat patiently.

"I couldn't tell you because it wasn't safe. After all, your father made a lot of powerful enemies, enemies that would kill you in a second if you knew. Well, since you've married into the most powerful clan in Konoha, I feel that you've got enough protection to hear this." He paused, and Naruto found himself leaning forwards in anticipation.

"Your father was the Fourth Hokage, Minato Namikaze." Naruto blinked. Then blinked again. Then he fell forwards onto his face, while Hinata looked at Jiraya disbelievingly. "Is that true, Jiraya?" At his nod, she looked at him.

"You know, the similarity in looks is really striking, now that I look clearly at it." Jiraya nodded.

"He's got his father's looks, but his mother's annoying personality and chakra stores." Just then, Naruto jumped up.

"MY OWN FATHER SEALED THE KYŪBI IN ME?!" Jiraya winced.

"Nice going, Naruto, you just informed the whole village about your predicament. Just joking," he amended hastily when Naruto was about to cry, "these walls have so much soundproofing that Madara Uchiha could be walking around with his Susanoo and you wouldn't hear a thing." Naruto smiled.

"Good." He paused.

"Ero-sennin, how long have I been in here?" Jiraya rubbed the back of his head.

"About two days." Naruto looked shocked.

"TWO DAYS?!" He looked like a toad- fitting, considering his summons. Jiraya gave him a perverted leer.

"Oh, yes, that Hyūga tea keeps your 'hot blood' up for at least two days, alright! It makes sure that you can definitely consummate your marriage." Naruto, by now, was as pale as his friend and rival Sasuke. Hinata smiled sweetly.

"it's okay, Naruto. You should remember everything." Naruto was suddenly overcome by memory. He promptly got a nosebleed at the images and keeled over. Jiraya looked at the brat with jealousy. He was his godfather, damnit!  
"NARUTO!" Naruto raised his head.

"What is it, Ero-sennin?"  
"I'll have you know that I'm your godfather." Naruto looked at him.

"No! it can't be true!" Jiraya extended a hand out with a copy of Icha-Iha.

"Come with me and we can rule the romantic literature world- godfather and godson." Of course, Jiraya was ignoring the fact that Icha-Icha was already the most popular brand of romance novels in his urgency to recruit Naruto over to the side of the Perverts.

"NO! I'll never join your perversion! Get stuffed!" Jiraya sighed dramatically. _Oh, well, at least I've got a new storyline idea from all of this. Yes… the story of a young man, separated from a father that he barely knew, and then, when the truth is revealed, then there is much emotional backlash, culminating on a duel on a crumbling mountain. _While Naruto continued to yell, Jiraya rubbed his chin in thought.

_Now, where should I set it? What place has got rising hotties, and is inconsequential enough to ensure that I don't offend anyone?  
_"Star Village is a nice place for a honeymoon, Naruto."  
"Yeah, sounds good!" Jiraya hit the palm of his hand in realisation.

"Got it! I'll call this new book _Star Battles!_" Naruto looked at him.

"It'll never sell, Ero-sannin."  
"STOP CALLING ME THAT!"

By this time, Sasuke and Kakashi had learnt about what else they'd done- Sasuke had helped Naruto paint his apartment building pink, Kakashi had managed to rig the ANBU toilet with low-yield explosives, and Sasuke had been seen with Danzō entering his apartment with his hands on the old man's crotch. Kakashi was now trying to stop Sasuke from killing himself with Chidori.

"Now, now, Sasuke, this kind of thing is typical for a young man to do when in the throes of alcohol-"  
"I DON'T CARE, I FUCKED THAT OLD GUY! LET ME KILL MYSELF!"  
"Sasuke, when my team and I first got drunk, me and Obito woke up next to each other with sore arses. Turns out that we 'did the dirty' with each other. It was pretty horrifying, but alcohol does that to you- it makes you think that guys are women."  
"Does this have something to do with the Goat Incident?" Kakashi stiffened.

"I told you never to mention the Goat Incident again." Sasuke was now eternally curious about the fabled 'Goat Incident.' However, Kakashi was looking a bit unstable, so he decided to back off. Jiraya entered the Hokage office, Naruto and Hinata in tow.

"Good news, Sasuke! I've finally identified the seal that you've gotten on yourself!" Sasuke looked at him expectantly.

"It's a pregnancy seal from the Village Hidden in Dicks." Sasuke stared blankly at him. Jiraya hastened to explain.

"You see, the Village Hidden in Dicks is a small ninja village right on the border of Kumo and Iwa, and it is a place where the population are Okama. In order to reproduce, a couple of Uzumaki sealmasters there devised a seal that would allow them to make children through anal sex, and it matches your seal there. The process of giving birth is just as agonising, and you may develop breasts, but it is a genuine birth through your arse, alright." Jiraya looked at him." Don't ask me how it works exactly, all I know is that it's painful. Only Danzō would have the knowledge to make that seal due to his pilgrimage to the village on a mission, where he was made aware of his latent homosexuality and attraction to my sensei, the Third Hokage. It usually happens- a rivalry turning into love on one side due to a kiss between rivals-"  
"NOOOOOO! I'M NOT IN LOVE WITH NARUTO-DOBE!" Jiraya turned a steely glare on him.

"Well, like I said, it happens once in a blue moon. Anyway, you are now carrying Danzō's child. What will you do?" Sasuke sank to the ground. He couldn't kill his brother like this!

_Flashback no Jutsu!_

_Itachi stared at his brother, who seemed to be heavily pregnant and had developed breasts._

"_Itachi… I'll kill you now…" Just then, the ground underneath him got wet._

"_OH SHIT MY WATER BROKE! KILL YOU LATER!" With that, Itachi just stabbed him in the head, removed the baby and set it on fire for kicks._

_Reversion no Jutsu!_

Jiraya looked at him.

"Kid, it won't precisely be like that."  
"Is there anything Sasuke can do about it?" Ah, good old Kakashi, always looking out for his well-being. Jiraya looked at him.

"He'll have two months before he cannot abort the baby and must give birth naturally by the laws of the Village Hidden in Dicks. We must get him there and abort the baby that way." Just then, Naruto and Hinata stopped their make out session and turned to them

"Hey, what'd we miss?"

One lengthy explanation later and Naruto was laughing his arse off at Sasuke, who was twitching.

"Dobe, if you value your life, shut up." Even Hinata was struggling not to giggle. Then Naruto frowned.

"Hey, Ero-sannin, couldn't you just draw on the seal or something?" As Jiraya spluttered at Naruto's ignorance, Kakashi looked at him.

"Yes, I have to agree. Why don't you?" Jiraya looked at him.

"I cannot do that. The knowledge to abort this baby is beyond what I was taught. Plus, even if I did know, it would be a crime. I'm not licensed for that sort of sealing in the village. No, we must take him there. One of you must accept this mission." Naruto stood up.

"I'll do it." Everybody looked at him. Kakashi in particular eye-smiled at him.

"I thought the two of you hated each other." Naruto looked at him.

"He who abandons his teammates is worse than trash, right, Kakashi?" Kakashi nodded. "Right you are, Naruto."  
"Then I'm coming too." Sakura stood up.

"I'll help Sasuke-kun through this plight." Hinata stood up.

"N-Naruto-kun and I are still on our honey moon together, so I'll come too." Shino and Kiba crashed through the windows.

"WE'RE COMING TOO!" Jiraya's eyes bugged out. "WHAT?!" Kiba spoke up. "We're teammates of Hinata, aren't we?" Jiraya sighed. "Anyone ELSE want to come along?" Team Guy crashed through the window.

"YOSH! KAKASHI, MY ETERNAL RIVAL, WE HAVE COME AFTER HEARING OF YOUR STUDENTS MOST UNYOUTHFUL PLIGHT!" He turned to Sasuke and gave the Nice Guy Pose. Sasuke blanched. He continued. "Neji is honour bound to guard the members of the Main House, and he had to come, and we shall accompany him on this YOUTHFUL MISSION!" Neji sighed, adjusting his sword. Jiraya smiled.

_These ninja are undoubtedly close together in these difficult times. _"Very well. Since it seems that we cannot keep the nine of oyu apart, this shall be known as the Fellowship of the Uchiha!" They all grinned, their hearts were strong, their minds sharp, their resolve clear. Then Kiba broke the silence. "So," and there was a half-lidded stare in his eyes, "where are we going?"

**Author's Note: Yay, the first arc is over. Will Sasuke manage to make it to the Village Hidden in Dicks? Will KIba learn where they are going? Find out, in the next, exciting arc of RANDOM NINJA MISSION!**

**I like reviews, people. Give me reviews, so that I may print out your responses and roll around in them.**


	7. Inter-mission

Intermission!

**Akatsuki.**

Kisame Hoshigaki, the feared No Tailed Beast himself, was currently waiting outside his partners room. The reason why he hadn't simply barged in was because Itachi had tied his headband on the doorhandle, which was the sign that he was pleasuring some prostitutes. Although he'd never yet caught a disease from any of the prostitutes, he always worried about Itachi's safety. Not because he really cared about it and knew that Itachi was a frickin' genius in battle, but because Itachi was the only likeable person in the organisation. Deidara was too volatile and prone to rants about his explosive art, Sasori was too uptight and would also go on long rants about his puppets and eternal art, Zetsu was just Zetsu, Hidan was plain nuts, even by his standards (he'd walked in on the man stabbing himself repeatedly in the heart and moaning in ecstasy), Kakuzu was alright, but a bit too money grubbing for his tastes, and Pein was the leader of their organisation, and besides, he already had a partner, Konan, who was alright conversation material herself. She also had a nice rack, which was also a plus in any able bodied shinobi's book.

Eventually, the door opened and eight scantily clad women stumbled out, bow-legged. For somebody who had about the same chakra levels as a genin, Itachi had a lot of 'hot blood.' He grinned. Itachi walked out soon afterwards, wearing the cloak and stoically smoking a cigarette, which Kisame glared at.

"You know, that habit is unhealthy, Itachi." Itachi just looked at him.

"I only smoke after pleasuring eight women at once, Kisame. You know that." Kisame nodded. Once a month, Itachi would grab eight hookers, pleasure them, and then watch the chaos with nary a raised eyebrow. After Itachi pleasured them, no man could really satisfy them again after his amazing skill in the arts of injutsu. He could live with it once a month, just as the med-nin said. Still…

"Itachi, here's your inhaler in case you need it." Itachi just looked at him, but grabbed the inhaler anyway.

As they stood on the fingers, he reflected on how stupid the darkness in here was. Pein cleared all zix of his throats.

"Alright, Akatsuki. Today, we are here to discuss matters not pertaining to the jinchūruki. Kakuzu, how is our budget?" The dark skinned nin cleared his throat. "Currently, we've got about 1 billion ryō available for standard purchases- namely, paper bombs, shuriken, kunai, soldier pills, and bandages." Pein nodded. "Do we have enough overhead to install electrical lighting in the main meeting area?" Kakuzu shook his head. Pein ticked it off with one of his bodies and moved on to the next item of the agenda. "Now, moving on, we have a vacancy for the partner of Zetsu. Zetsu has his own partner chosen, but any contributions that you could make towards this vacancy would be greatly appreciated. If you have anybody to recommend, please say so." Zetsu pulled out a man who looked like his head was an orange lollipop or something.  
"This is Tobi. He's my nomination for the missing spot." White Zetsu piped up with, "Tobi's a good boy." Tobi waved.

"Hello! My name's Tobi! I hope we all become great friends!" There was silence in the main hideout. Then, somebody coughed. It was Kakuzu.

"You can't be serious. Those membership rings are very expensive. We might have to take on more bounties to pay for making a new one." Pein dutifully noted that down.

"The last item on the agenda is that the Kyūbi jinchūruki has currently married into the Hyūga clan, according to Itachi's contact in Konoha." Itachi spoke up, surprising Kisame so much he almost fell off the giant finger (seriously, this finger thing was ridiculous.)  
"Leader-sama, something else has just cropped up. My younger brother, Sasuke, has recently been impregnated by Danzō Shimura. Requesting the use of my down time to make sure that he gets it aborted." Hidan was the one to cough this time.

"Are you totally fucking sure that you've got a fucking little BROTHER, not a fucking little SISTER?!" Kakuzu tore his head off again, eliciting more obscene and creative cursewords. Pein started twitching, and Konan put a hand on his shoulder.

"Abort it. DEAR GOD, ABORT IT QUICKLY!" As Leader-sama started frothing at the mouth, Konan quickly punched out the main body and took it back. Kisame looked at him. Only one thing was on his mind right now.

"…Dafuq?"

**Suna.**

Gaara blinked at this piece of intelligence that the Sand ANBU had covertly gathered. Kankuro was rolling on the floor laughing while Temari scowled.

"The Last Uchiha got himself pregnant? Are they sure that he's actually a boy?" Gaara tried to imagine the stoic boy pregnant. Temari and Kankuro watched in terror as Gaara's face started twitching.

"Little bro…" They jumped back as Gaara started laughing hysterically, pounding his fist on the windowsill next to him. His older siblings fainted while Gaara's laughter echoed throughout the desert.

**Kumo.**

The Raikage scowled at the intelligence that they'd just gotten. Apparently, the Last Uchiha was actually a female. Weird. He sighed at what he was about to do. It was risky, but at least his brother would do it.

"**BEE! **GET YOUR STUPID ASS OVER HERE!" Two seconds afterwards, Killer Bee, his little brother was at the door.

"What's up, my brother, that you've called me away from wooing Samui's mother?" Displeased with his brother's idiocy, A smashed his brother through the nearest wall. As he jumped down, he grabbed his brother.

"The Last Uchiha is pregnant. Now is our chance to get the Sharingan into our village. Capture him at all costs! Think of this as a paid vacation!" With that, the Raikage grabbed Killer Bee and aimed him at the gates.

"GO FLYING!" With that, he hurled his brother at the village gate.

When Killer Bee impacted on the ground, He pulled himself up.

"Man, bro's so eager that I can barely stand…"

_**Bee, get your team out. This mission sounds important.**_

"Why should I know where my team is? That ain't exactly mah biz." Just then, three sparkles over the horizon later and his team were thrown into craters of their own.

…_**Your brother's really on a rampage. Get some supplies and get this Uchiha.**_

"Fool, ya tool, we can't leave this soon! I was checkin' on the mother of Samui, and her breasts are totally SUH-WEET! I ain't leavin' until I get some sugar, and you know what I mean by that, hyoar!"

_**Do you want your brother to kill you?**_

Before the Yondaime could flash to one of his signature kunai, he'd gathered up his team, grabbed some supplies and got them on the road.

From the hole that he'd punched in the fabric of reality to watch his little brother, A smirked. Grabbing the torn edges, he pulled them back in, and punched himself in the face so that he would forget about it.

"Cee! Darui! You're dealing with paperwork while I go to Grass country to get whores!" With that, the Raikage punched the fabric of reality and made a portal to Grass. Cee and Darui, not blinking an eye, grabbed pens and started to forge the Raikage's signature to deal with the paperwork.

**Hidden Sound:**

A random underling barged in.

"Orochimaru-sama, we-" he stopped at that.

Orochimaru was back, along with Kabuto. They were watching television- Nintubbies to be precise, the show with the anthropomorphic versions of the main five villages interacting in the mythical land of Ninworld. The underling looked at them.

"…Dafuq?" The random babbling of the Nintubbies was sending Kabuto and Orochimaru into giggling fits. The underling detected the faint smell of marijuana.

"Okay, you guys are baked. Anyway, the Last Uchiha is pregnant with an ass-baby."

'Okay." They both said in unison. Wanting to press his luck, he continued, "Also, the Kyūbi Jinchūruki is now married into the Hyūga clan and owns a purple singing dinosaur." Orochimaru looked at him blearily. Finally, he threw a roll of ryō at the minion.  
"Minion, capture the dinosaur and get us some more brownies. I'm fucking starving." The minion saluted. He'd seen enough.

"Yes, sir!"

**Author's note:**

**I think that this is the most awesome crack fic ever by this point. Also, I want a tv tropes page, or at least a fanficrec. Please, read and review!**

**Or else I'll set nintubbies on you.**


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